i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
