I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
babies were throwing up all over the place
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
