I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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