and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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