happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I party with great urgency now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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