You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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