I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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