I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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