Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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