Kiss
Puke
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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