i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
