you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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