When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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