i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
