As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
