Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
