phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
