I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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