so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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