I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
