By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
