so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i believe in u and ur pee
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
