How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the day after is always just damage control
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
