can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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