Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
