I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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