did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
