Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
