I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
