The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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