You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
