he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
