Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
