Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
