dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
