She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
