think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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