In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
