my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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