Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
