I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
