I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
