Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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