Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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