great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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