sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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