Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
