Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
