This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
