Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
