Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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