am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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