Michael Bay diarrhea
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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