I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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