You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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